The 6 Secret Gifts of Self Doubt - And what we get from Self Sabotage 🤔🫨🙁
Why do we hurt ourselves? Why do we hurt our future selves by hurting our present selves?
Why do we hurt each other, even those closest to us?
What are we gaining by these seemingly incongruous and deeply painful behaviours?
We must get something because one thing is for sure, we all do it. 😳
If you don't know me, I'm Chris Ulliott, your Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes trained life coach. For years, I used to suffer deeply with self doubt, and I created a way to completely smash through. I had to! Today I teach this to others so they too can get beyond doubt and build a happier and more fulfilling life.
To say it's just human, or that's just the way we are, isn't enough for me. Because if we want to experience a better standard of living, we need to understand, and take action to have even a chance at creating any change. 🤔
So what is it that drives all human beings, from the age of about 7 years, to develop patterns and behaviours that seemingly hurt us. And why do we do them over and over again?
And let's ask the one you're really reading this for... what, if anything, can we do to stop it? 🫣
I have been answering these questions for 30+ years of my life. I used to look in the mirror and deeply dislike myself 😞. And I wouldn't let anyone help me 🤨. Yet, thankfully I did find a way. I'm not sure I'd be here now if I hadn't.
The six greatest gifts we receive from self sabotage, from depression, anger, disappointment, frustration, and not believing in ourselves are...
Certainty
By having hurt, we meet our psychological human need for certainty. A need that we all have 🧐 and unknowingly will do anything to meet it.
Certainty is comfort, security. The need to know that we will be ok. Have a home, a friend, a job, money in the bank. But it's also strength to know with zero doubt that we are who we think we are. Even if its painful! 😬🙄
People can feel certain by being the best at their job, the best partner in a relationship, by having a surplus of £5000 in the bank, or by having a faith in something greater than themselves. 🙏
But we can also get certainty by having major life problems. By reinforcing our problems and building knowledge about them.
We can always find comfort in knowing who we are and having some empathy 🥹 for ourselves.
All of these are vehicles 🚙 for meeting our shared human need for certainty in life.
Variety
By having pain in our lives we can meet our psychological human need for variety.
Think about it 🤔. If life was certain all of the time what would it be like? If you were so certain that you knew everything that would happen tomorrow, next week, next month. Every single day you were certain what would happen so that you had a sense of comfort and security. You would become incredibly bored 🥱. That's why you need variety. Even if you meet your need for variety in painful ways, you will still meet it. At any cost. Some in history have died just to meet their needs.
So for example, do you swing emotionally from feeling depressed and down to feeling angry and bitter? We call this the Crazy 8 pattern. To meet our need for variety some go from intense feelings of depression or sadness to incredible frustration and anger, and then back again. Because this pattern meets the need we have for variety 😲. Other ways can be smoking, or food or other forms of chemicals that change our state.
Maybe you are beginning to see some ways in which you have been meeting your own psychological needs 😎.
Others meet variety in life by taking holidays 🤽♀️, getting a new project at work or home, by going out with friends on a weekend 🥂. Or by having a hobby or interest outside of the normal life. Some do it by skydiving. I do it by walking barefoot over fire. It's just my thing that I have come to love doing. And it's different. It's variety.
Significance
Just like certainty and variety which are paradoxical to each other, significance is also a psychological need. It is the need to know we are someone. That we are special in some way 👀. Everyone wants and deserves to feel needed. But it is how we meet our needs, the vehicles, that are key.
Some meet the need for significance by having the biggest problem, bigger than anyone else's problems 😵💫. Some have the worst ever depression, or find something to be more angry at than anyone else. If you ever hear someone say "You don't know what it's like being me!", then you can see how their significance is being met.
Having the nicest car 🚗 or home 🏡 is how some meet their need for significance. Or by having a skill that nobody else has. Or a unique hobby. Or by having a certain amount of money in the bank. Or by being able to drink more than anyone else.
Can you see how we all meet the need for significance in one way or another? The truth is we all have multiple vehicles to meet our needs.
Connect with Ourselves
Another, more obvious psychological need is love or connection ❤️. The thing here is if we don't connect with someone else, we find a way to connect with ourselves in our emotions.
This is true even if we are hating on ourselves or thinking we are not good enough. The sense that we really understand ourselves in the moments of strong emotion connect us on the inside 🤔.
Align with existing Beliefs
When our feelings and behaviours meet our needs so deeply it is easy to see how we can't stop having them. It is said that if you have something you feel or do that meets 3 or more of your needs then you are addicted to that thing. You are using it as a vehicle for so much of your psychological support 🫨.
In addition to our needs, we all have a set of beliefs that we use to make sense of the world. We quickly believe things that help us meet our needs and discard those that don't.
If you get depressed, you are less likely to believe you can be happy. It doesn't align with how you see your world 🌍. You only believe things that you want to believe, even if they continue a painful emotion of behaviour. We get something from having them. These beliefs meet our needs too.
Align with Identity
Our identity is the strongest force in keeping us stuck where we think we are. A person will do anything, and I mean anything, to stay consistent with who they think they are.
When we get so much from our hurt and pain, how could we ever be free? We must be totally F'd right?
Wrong.
We all have the ability to choose 👀. This is what Victor Frankle learnt in the concentration camps. His oppressors could take everything from him, apart from his ability to choose the meaning he gives to things. We always have a choice.
In meeting our psychological needs, we can find vehicles that work for us rather than against us 🙂. With our beliefs, these are based on one or two pieces of evidence and if we really look at them, any belief can be challenged 👊. And with our identity, it has been shown that who we think we are, our personality, can change and indeed it does, every single day ❤️.
So there we have it. We do get something from our pain and our problems. We get something from having self doubt, depression, and anger or frustration. But life has a beautiful way of working things out and providing a way forward.
There is absolutely a way forward that can be happy, loving, and fulfilling. The answer doesn't reside in anyone else but you 🙂. And you can do it 👍.
As a life coach, I'm skilled in finding the resources within you to become that person you thought was so far away and never possible 🙌. We work together on changing every thought and emotion into one's that serve you 🙂. With the ultimate aim of building a much happier and more fulfilling, free life. How does that sound to you?
So why not contact me 🖋🙂. I'd love to see your face when it all comes together 😎👊🙏. I haven't had a single person ever tell me it didn't work because it does.
Take a look at the testimonials on my website and FB page.
Chris
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